Monday, January 21, 2013

Repetitious Deaths Of A Pained Soul Never End

I am killing her once again.
I should have known it would never work.
I am killing her once again.
No one understands, they grin and smirk.
I am killing her once again.
I thought I could trust the one I love to understand.
I am killing her once again.
I should have known it could not be in this land.
I am killing her once again.
I know that she will come creeping back.
I am killing her once again.
My heart will be broken, torn by a huge crack.
I am killing her once again.
This world for me is a cruel, dark place.
I am killing her once again.
This is an effort to once again hide her face.
I am killing her once again.
I am disappointed, hurt, wanting to be free.
I am killing her once again.
People just don’t understand that she is me.
I am killing myself again.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Crypt

Alone it sits upon a tiny lonely hill, surrounded by blacked and withered grass.
Its stone is cracked and weathered with age, its roof drooping on verge of collapse.
Upon its door sits a wreath of roses, darkened with despair.
Inside its depths are blacker than black, hidden completely from view.

A cloud of shimmering mist rises upon the moor, as dark figures begin to pass.
Slowly they make their way toward the crypt, the cold air filling with dark synapse.
A body they lie inside its depths, a tangled mass of blood and hair.
They took her down, a blow to the crown, before she ever knew.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Dreams Are A Funny Thing

Dreams are a funny thing.  They can make you laugh, they can make you cry.  They can fill your heart with joy and peace as well as crush it.  They can inspire a thousand stories or they can inspire a myriad of fears.  Dreams are a funny thing like that. 
All of my stories are inspired by dreams that I have had, all of them, even the ones that I will never put to paper.  I get to experience a fragment of the life of that my characters lead and I let my imagination do the rest because soon after waking the fine details fade.  The Moonstones novels were based off of a series of dreams that I had where, from the few details I can remember after waking, I lived in the life of Sephira, Alissa, Jonah and Lilly.  As Sephira all I remember is the impression of her rape and murder as I lived through them in the dream experiencing the horror of it.  As Alissa, I experienced her wedding ceremony and the night after with her husband and the flavor of her world as she grew up world.  As Jonah, I got my gleanings of the world that these characters all live in as well as his deeply profound commitment to Alissa.  As Lilly, I got the Impression of the politics and business practices that dictate the path that society takes in this world.
For the novel, Sanguine Whispers, I had a dream where I was the victim of the serial killer who is the villain in the story.  That, coupled with the song “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri, led me to create that story.  Alexis, the psychic detective (she is a medium who gets readings by touching objects) who is helping the police to track the killer down, was another character from yet another dream that I had.  In the dream, as her, I was curious because I couldn’t get readings off of the items left behind at the murder scene almost as if the spirits of the victims were cut off. 
Even the stories that I have that don’t initiate by dream usually have dreams that follow where I get details and impressions that influence the story.  This may make it sound like I have dozens and dozens of dreams but I don’t.  I am someone who doesn’t often dream or, if I do, I don’t tend to remember them other than a few details and impressions, just enough information for me work with.  The few dreams that I have tend to be very vivid and sometimes it is hard to distinguish them from the real world upon my awakening.  Whenever I dream, I tend to wake up the next day in a slump of depression and continue to stay that way the rest of the day.  You would think that this would be an undesirable thing yet when I go to bed the next night I find myself hoping and praying to have yet another dream just so that I can once again escape.  I wish for this even though I know that once again the next day I will suffer even more for my reality is a painful one for me to bear and these dreams are my only reprieve from my real life.  Don’t get me wrong though, my life isn’t horrible, I have a lot of great people and things in it but despite all of the good there is one thing that always eats at my soul and that is what my dreams tend give me relief from. 
What is it that plagues me in my life so?  Well, if you have read all of my blog posts on this blog then you should already know.  When I was thinking about this post last night before heading to bed I wished for yet another dream, another escape.  I had dreams the previous three nights and due to that my depression was really acting up.  I was planning to just come right out and spill my deepest heartfelt secrets about myself to the world through this post.  Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I didn’t have a dream last night which has given me a bit of a clearer head and state of mind for writing this.  I probably shouldn’t really be worried about that since no one reads more blog anyway.
Now (and I don’t know what I am going to do this nobody ever reads this but I am going to do it anyway) I have a question for all of you, my non-existent readers.  Do dreams influence your writing?  If so, how?

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Writing Is The Key, Write, Write, Write... Then Write Some More.

Hello Readers, just letting y’all know what is going on with me.  I have submitted my short story “Will the Last Person to Leave Please Turn Out the Sun” to the Jim Baen Memorial writing contest.  Honestly, I don’t expect to win nor do I expect to get second or third place, but I consider this a big step for me because I am putting my writing out there.  The reason that this is a big step is because of a fear of rejection that is absolutely crippling at times for me.  The way I look at it, and the way that helps me to overcome this, is that the worst thing they can say to me is please don’t send us any more of your work and, since this is a contest, the likelihood of that is slim.  I should know whether or not I won by March 15th at the latest and if I don’t win then I have other plans for this short story.  For instance, I plan on submitting it to Lightspeed magazine and Strange Horizons magazine if I don’t win the contest.  I don’t know if they will buy my story, but I won’t know if I don’t try right?
As for my novel “Tears of the Western Moon” which I have been working on off and on since I killed off… well my favorite character, who shall remain nameless for the time being since I don’t want to give away the surprise, I am back working on it.  As I told you in the last post, I felt the need to delete around 6k words and I am pleased to say that I have almost gained all of that lost ground back and am must happier with the result.  Now I know that you aren’t supposed to edit as you are writing, but that was a case of me writing myself into a pit that I couldn’t work my way out of reasonably and to be honest, I was forcing myself to write that segment and it sucked.  All is right now though as the corrections have been made and the mysteriously androgynous Lord Aramon has finally made his… err, her... ummm, let’s just go with the masculine pronouns for now since the character has revealed that information to me yet, semi-permanent presence known.  Currently, he seems to be trying to weasel his way into my little band of travelers in his quest to gain immortality by possessing the Moonstones but will our heroes will for it?  Let’s hope not.
Anyway, that’s about it for now, I will try to post a bit more regularly since life seems to have calmed back down a bit for me.  Oh and if anyone else wishes to enter the Jim Baen Memorial writing contest, this is where you can find the info… 
Till next time…