Innocence Stolen

The night is silent…

I can hear him breathing out.

The darkness calls him…

Surrounding dangers abound.

I hear him whisper…

He’s calling out to me.

He says come closer…

And I turn to run.

I see a blade flash, as it goes past.

I hear him laughing at me.

He’s just toying now…

Predator after prey.

My heart’s beating loud…

The sound gives me away.

I’m in the shadows now…

Silently I pray.

He finds me somehow…

I turn to run, he’s having fun.

I see a blade flash, as it goes past.

I hear him laughing at me.

I start to stumble, my hands fumble.

Soon he’s on top of me.

There’s nothing I can do…

My life is through.

Blade pierces my flesh…

I gasp for breath.

He can see my pain…

He enters again.

The world fades to black…

I feel him pulling back.

I see a blade flash, as it goes past.

I hear him laughing at me.

I start to stumble, my hands fumble.

Soon he’s on top of me.

Virginal white now red, I have bleed.

Innocence stolen from me.

This is the end…

I wish my life had never begun.

Broken I lie…

Wishing that I could die.

He leaves me now…

His damage done for now.

He’ll be back again…

Though I know not when.

I see a blade flash, as it goes past.

I hear him laughing at me.

I start to stumble, my hands fumble.

Soon he’s on top of me.

Virginal white now red, I have bleed.

Innocence stolen from me.

My heart crumbles, my mind tumbles.

A shell is all that’s left of me.

I Don't Know

I don’t know.

I don’t know who can hear my voice.

I don’t know who would help me now.

I don’t know who would even try.

I don’t know what it will take to change it.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what could make things right.

I don’t know when it became so complicated.

I don’t know when it became so hard.

I don’t know when things will get better.

I don’t know where this path ends.

I don’t know where I’m going.

I don’t know where it began.

I don’t know why it is this way.

I don’t know why no one will listen.

I don’t know why anyone would care.

I don’t know how I can live like this.

I don’t know how life continues day to day.

I don’t know how to continue.

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

Hatred

I hate you all.
I hate each and every one of you.
I hate YOU, Society, and the way you look at me and others like me in fear.
You force us to hide in the shadows, worried what might happen if we are found.
You reject and spit on us, tearing at our cloths.
You mock us and beat us because we don’t fit into your world view.
You torture us in your attempts to force us to conform.
I hate you for that and I hate everything that you stand for.
You think that we are a disease, afraid we might spread.
You hate us.
You make us weep tears of pain and fear.
I hate you for that.

I hate YOU, Mom and Dad.
You couldn’t accept me as I am.
You turned your back on your daughter.
You blamed yourself because she was a freak.
You didn’t show her the love and acceptance that she yearned for.
You told her that she was wrong and needed to be locked away.
You turned a blind eye when the gun was in her hand.
You looked away, not trying to understand.
You made her kill a part of herself, doing irreparable harm.
You disgust me with what you did to me.
You probably think you were doing the right thing.
But you broke my heart.
You left me in the dark with nowhere to go.
You thought that I would bring shame for being the freak that I am.
You told me to forget what had happened and never speak of it again.
I can’t forget and I won’t, it consumes me.

Most of all, I hate YOU, God.
You who put me here
You who made me like this.
You hurt me in ways I can never describe with words.
You brought me into this like some sick joke.
It’s ALL your fault, every last bit.
I loathe you.
I despise you.
You set things into motion.
You wrecked my life before it even started.
I will never forget what you did to me.
You made me broken, an unfinished product.
You cast me down into a world of pain.
You know I hate you.
But you know what the worst thing of all is?
I know you don’t care. 
You cast me aside like an afterthought.
I hate you so much.
I hate YOU.

Pain

I will never have the look that I want.

I will never have the body that I want.

I will never be able to dress the way that I want to dress.

I will never be beautiful.

I will never be pretty.

I will never be sexy.

I will never really be the woman that I feel that I am.

I will always be ugly.

I will always be hideous.

I will always be disgusting.

I will always be trapped.

I will always hate my body.

I will always hate myself.

I will always be male.

I can do nothing to change this, not without paying a price I don’t want to pay.

I can do nothing.

I wish I were braver.

I wish I could take that final step.

I wish I could leave this pain behind.

I wish people would listen to my cries.

I wish I could cry louder in order to be heard.

I am dying inside but no one can see.

I hurt.

I ache.

I long for release.

I hate this.

I hate the jealousy I feel when I look at other women.

I hate how they can be so lucky and not know it.

I hate how I can never be like them.

I hate how cheated I feel.

I know that God doesn’t care.

I have cried out to the heaven.

I have heard the silence in response.

I don’t know what to do.

I just want it to end.

I cry in my soul.

I am tired.

I am weak.

I know this pain will never end.

Repetitious Deaths Of A Pained Soul Never End

I am killing her once again.

I should have known it would never work.

I am killing her once again.

No one understands, they grin and smirk.

I am killing her once again.

I thought I could trust the one I love to understand.

I am killing her once again.

I should have known it could not be in this land.

I am killing her once again.

I know that she will come creeping back.

I am killing her once again.

My heart will be broken, torn by a huge crack.

I am killing her once again.

This world for me is a cruel, dark place.

I am killing her once again.

This is an effort to once again hide her face.

I am killing her once again.

I am disappointed, hurt, wanting to be free.

I am killing her once again.

People just don’t understand that she is me.

I am killing myself again.

Message to God #1

You said you'd lift me up.

You said you'd hold my hand.

You said you'd take my pain,

Make me understand.

You said you'd cover me.

You said you'd fill my need.

You said you'd always care,

You stand there as I bleed.

I thought you had my back,

but now I bleed from it.

I thought you loved me,

But you don't give a shit!

You fucked me over.

You set me up to fail.

You enjoy my misery,

In my personal hell.

What the fuck did I do?

Do to deserve this all?

Did you build me up,

Just to watch me fall?

I can't believe I trusted you!

You always hated me!

You made me your joke,

This truth I see!

The Reflection of Me

I know how much all of you who read my blog are looking forward to more info on my novel, but unfortunately for you that is not what you are getting today.  Sorry to disappoint but just trust me when I say, the editing process is still moving along, though at a slower pace.  When I get done with this edit I am going to let some proof readers at it before I start the second edit... so there, now you at least have a little novel update.

The reflection of me that I see in the mirror is not a reflection on you, Mother.  There is no sense in blaming yourself for the way I turned out.  You couldn’t help the fact that I have felt the way that I have felt throughout the years.  I’m broken and scared of the way I feel but there is nothing I can do to change.  How I wish I had been able to articulate my desires and feelings to you and Dad so that maybe something would have been done to change the way things turned out.  Would you have listened?  Would you have taken me seriously?  Or would you have just hoped that I would grow out of it, saying that it was just a phase that I was going through?  I don’t know, but I do know that it is my fault for not telling you when I should have.  Due to these faults of my own, depression weighs in, burdening my soul. 

The reflection of me I see in the mirror is a reflection of how you, God, made me.  I look to you for answers yet you are silent.  I want to know why, why me?  Why did you do this to me?  Why am I so weak that I could not be honest with my parents about who I am inside?  Was there reason for me to fear their reaction the way that I did?  If so, then why couldn’t you put me with someone who would have been more approachable?  I hate you sometimes for what you have done to me and I want to make you feel the pain that I feel for what you have done to me.  I feel like the cosmic joke that exists only for your amusement and I despise you for it.  Say something damn it!  Tell me why!  I hate you so much I could cry but I won’t give you the satisfaction of seeing my tears.  It’s not my parents fault I who I am today, the fault lies with you and me. 

The reflection I see when I look in the mirror is not a reflection of me instead it is a stranger I see.