Monday, April 22, 2013

Pain

I will never have the look that I want.

I will never have the body that I want.

I will never be able to dress the way that I want to dress.

I will never be beautiful.

I will never be pretty.

I will never be sexy.

I will never really be the woman that I feel that I am.

I will always be ugly.

I will always be hideous.

I will always be disgusting.

I will always be trapped.

I will always hate my body.

I will always hate myself.

I will always be male.

I can do nothing to change this, not without paying a price I don’t want to pay.

I can do nothing.

I wish I were braver.

I wish I could take that final step.

I wish I could leave this pain behind.

I wish people would listen to my cries.

I wish I could cry louder in order to be heard.

I am dying inside but no one can see.

I hurt.

I ache.

I long for release.

I hate this.

I hate the jealousy I feel when I look at other women.

I hate how they can be so lucky and not know it.

I hate how I can never be like them.

I hate how cheated I feel.

I know that God doesn’t care.

I have cried out to the heaven.

I have heard the silence in response.

I don’t know what to do.

I just want it to end.

I cry in my soul.

I am tired.

I am weak.

I know this pain will never end.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Repetitious Deaths Of A Pained Soul Never End

I am killing her once again.
I should have known it would never work.
I am killing her once again.
No one understands, they grin and smirk.
I am killing her once again.
I thought I could trust the one I love to understand.
I am killing her once again.
I should have known it could not be in this land.
I am killing her once again.
I know that she will come creeping back.
I am killing her once again.
My heart will be broken, torn by a huge crack.
I am killing her once again.
This world for me is a cruel, dark place.
I am killing her once again.
This is an effort to once again hide her face.
I am killing her once again.
I am disappointed, hurt, wanting to be free.
I am killing her once again.
People just don’t understand that she is me.
I am killing myself again.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Crypt

Alone it sits upon a tiny lonely hill, surrounded by blacked and withered grass.
Its stone is cracked and weathered with age, its roof drooping on verge of collapse.
Upon its door sits a wreath of roses, darkened with despair.
Inside its depths are blacker than black, hidden completely from view.

A cloud of shimmering mist rises upon the moor, as dark figures begin to pass.
Slowly they make their way toward the crypt, the cold air filling with dark synapse.
A body they lie inside its depths, a tangled mass of blood and hair.
They took her down, a blow to the crown, before she ever knew.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Dreams Are A Funny Thing

Dreams are a funny thing.  They can make you laugh, they can make you cry.  They can fill your heart with joy and peace as well as crush it.  They can inspire a thousand stories or they can inspire a myriad of fears.  Dreams are a funny thing like that. 
All of my stories are inspired by dreams that I have had, all of them, even the ones that I will never put to paper.  I get to experience a fragment of the life of that my characters lead and I let my imagination do the rest because soon after waking the fine details fade.  The Moonstones novels were based off of a series of dreams that I had where, from the few details I can remember after waking, I lived in the life of Sephira, Alissa, Jonah and Lilly.  As Sephira all I remember is the impression of her rape and murder as I lived through them in the dream experiencing the horror of it.  As Alissa, I experienced her wedding ceremony and the night after with her husband and the flavor of her world as she grew up world.  As Jonah, I got my gleanings of the world that these characters all live in as well as his deeply profound commitment to Alissa.  As Lilly, I got the Impression of the politics and business practices that dictate the path that society takes in this world.
For the novel, Sanguine Whispers, I had a dream where I was the victim of the serial killer who is the villain in the story.  That, coupled with the song “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri, led me to create that story.  Alexis, the psychic detective (she is a medium who gets readings by touching objects) who is helping the police to track the killer down, was another character from yet another dream that I had.  In the dream, as her, I was curious because I couldn’t get readings off of the items left behind at the murder scene almost as if the spirits of the victims were cut off. 
Even the stories that I have that don’t initiate by dream usually have dreams that follow where I get details and impressions that influence the story.  This may make it sound like I have dozens and dozens of dreams but I don’t.  I am someone who doesn’t often dream or, if I do, I don’t tend to remember them other than a few details and impressions, just enough information for me work with.  The few dreams that I have tend to be very vivid and sometimes it is hard to distinguish them from the real world upon my awakening.  Whenever I dream, I tend to wake up the next day in a slump of depression and continue to stay that way the rest of the day.  You would think that this would be an undesirable thing yet when I go to bed the next night I find myself hoping and praying to have yet another dream just so that I can once again escape.  I wish for this even though I know that once again the next day I will suffer even more for my reality is a painful one for me to bear and these dreams are my only reprieve from my real life.  Don’t get me wrong though, my life isn’t horrible, I have a lot of great people and things in it but despite all of the good there is one thing that always eats at my soul and that is what my dreams tend give me relief from. 
What is it that plagues me in my life so?  Well, if you have read all of my blog posts on this blog then you should already know.  When I was thinking about this post last night before heading to bed I wished for yet another dream, another escape.  I had dreams the previous three nights and due to that my depression was really acting up.  I was planning to just come right out and spill my deepest heartfelt secrets about myself to the world through this post.  Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I didn’t have a dream last night which has given me a bit of a clearer head and state of mind for writing this.  I probably shouldn’t really be worried about that since no one reads more blog anyway.
Now (and I don’t know what I am going to do this nobody ever reads this but I am going to do it anyway) I have a question for all of you, my non-existent readers.  Do dreams influence your writing?  If so, how?

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Writing Is The Key, Write, Write, Write... Then Write Some More.

Hello Readers, just letting y’all know what is going on with me.  I have submitted my short story “Will the Last Person to Leave Please Turn Out the Sun” to the Jim Baen Memorial writing contest.  Honestly, I don’t expect to win nor do I expect to get second or third place, but I consider this a big step for me because I am putting my writing out there.  The reason that this is a big step is because of a fear of rejection that is absolutely crippling at times for me.  The way I look at it, and the way that helps me to overcome this, is that the worst thing they can say to me is please don’t send us any more of your work and, since this is a contest, the likelihood of that is slim.  I should know whether or not I won by March 15th at the latest and if I don’t win then I have other plans for this short story.  For instance, I plan on submitting it to Lightspeed magazine and Strange Horizons magazine if I don’t win the contest.  I don’t know if they will buy my story, but I won’t know if I don’t try right?
As for my novel “Tears of the Western Moon” which I have been working on off and on since I killed off… well my favorite character, who shall remain nameless for the time being since I don’t want to give away the surprise, I am back working on it.  As I told you in the last post, I felt the need to delete around 6k words and I am pleased to say that I have almost gained all of that lost ground back and am must happier with the result.  Now I know that you aren’t supposed to edit as you are writing, but that was a case of me writing myself into a pit that I couldn’t work my way out of reasonably and to be honest, I was forcing myself to write that segment and it sucked.  All is right now though as the corrections have been made and the mysteriously androgynous Lord Aramon has finally made his… err, her... ummm, let’s just go with the masculine pronouns for now since the character has revealed that information to me yet, semi-permanent presence known.  Currently, he seems to be trying to weasel his way into my little band of travelers in his quest to gain immortality by possessing the Moonstones but will our heroes will for it?  Let’s hope not.
Anyway, that’s about it for now, I will try to post a bit more regularly since life seems to have calmed back down a bit for me.  Oh and if anyone else wishes to enter the Jim Baen Memorial writing contest, this is where you can find the info… 
Till next time…

Friday, November 30, 2012

Just an update

Hello, I know it has been a while since I have posted on here last and I just want to let you few readers that I have know I haven't forgotten about you.  Life, unfortunately, gets in the way sometimes and I can't keep up with my blogs of my writing the way that I would like too.  Currently, I have a short story that I have completed called "Will the Last Person to Leave Please Turn Out the Sun".  I wrote this story partially as an exercise and partially because I needed a short break from "Tears of the Western Moon" after killing off one of my favorite characters as well as a sub-character. 

The way that this short story was an exercise for me was that I  find it very easy to tell a story as long as it has a large word count.  So in light of that, I set the restriction of 2k words for this short story.  One I finished it it came out to around 1850 words which is well within my limit that I set and I am happy with the results, now I just wait for initial reactions from my first draft reader before I start edits...

As for work on "Tears of the Western Moon"  I had gotten up to a word count of 39k words but needed to go back and delete 6k of that 39k.... very discouraging.  But I have since added 1k back to it and am now at 34k words.  I find myself struggling to continue this novel because the death of... the character who I killed off still depresses me and now I have to face the fact that she is dead  and move on with the story.  I will finish this book.  Then I will edit as I did with "Shadows of the Western Moon" and after edits are finished I will move on to the third novel in the trilogy. 

Anyway, just wanted to post an update for anyone that was interested.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Dreams of the Young

Hello there my few readers that I have, I want to talk to you today about dreams. No, not the type that you get when you close your eyes and go to sleep, instead I want to talk about the kind that you have when you are growing up.  Yes, those dreams like being a firefighter or astronaut. 
When I was growing up I had dreams, big dreams, small dream and average dreams just like I imagine every kid has.   I wanted to grow up to be a multitude of things ranging from policeman to ballerina to gymnast to archeologist to musician to published author… The list could go on and on.  Of those dreams I have accomplished some, though not necessarily to the degree that I desired, but the point is I have accomplished them.   I have been an officer of the law.   I have been a musician.  I have even been published twice with my poetry, though sadly no novels have been published yet. 
The point I guess that I am getting at is that there are dreams that were and/or are obtainable as long as I worked toward them.  Now obviously, some of the dreams I had when growing up were clearly impossible short of the existence of magic or extreme advances in science.  Those dreams I have had to come to terms with at they will never be anything more than just dreams but, the dreams I have that can be achieved I still work and strive toward.  One of those dreams, to become a published author or rather novelist, is very achievable as long as I keep at it. 
Now when I was young the dream was simply to write a novel and get it published.  Now I didn’t know about self-publishing when I was young and therefor that didn’t work into the dream.  Now that dream has expanded and grown as I have gotten older, now I know exactly by how and by who I want to be published.  Not to knock people who self-publish, but I do not think that self-publishing is for me, at least not at this point in my life.  I still want to sell the rights to my novels and be published by professional publishing companies, in particular Baen, Pyr or Tor. 
I hold this dream close to my heart and hope that one day I make it a reality…  That is all, that is all that this post is about.  Sorry if you found it disappointing but I just wanted to share that piece of me with you, my very few yet regular readers.  I hope that life finds you well and that many of your dreams will become reality for you too.