Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I Don't Know


I don’t know.
I don’t know who can hear my voice.
I don’t know who would help me now.
I don’t know who would even try.
I don’t know what it will take to change it.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what could make things right.
I don’t know when it became so complicated.
I don’t know when it became so hard.
I don’t know when things will get better.
I don’t know where this path ends.
I don’t know where I’m going.
I don’t know where it began.
I don’t know why it is this way.
I don’t know why no one will listen.
I don’t know why anyone would care.
I don’t know how I can live like this.
I don’t know how life continues day to day.
I don’t know how to continue.
I don’t know.
I just don’t know.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Hatred

I hate you all.
I hate each and every one of you.
I hate YOU, Society, and the way you look at me and others like me in fear.
You force us to hide in the shadows, worried what might happen if we are found.
You reject and spit on us, tearing at our cloths.
You mock us and beat us because we don’t fit into your world view.
You torture us in your attempts to force us to conform.
I hate you for that and I hate everything that you stand for.
You think that we are a disease, afraid we might spread.
You hate us.
You make us weep tears of pain and fear.
I hate you for that.

I hate YOU, Mom and Dad.
You couldn’t accept me as I am.
You turned your back on your daughter.
You blamed yourself because she was a freak.
You didn’t show her the love and acceptance that she yearned for.
You told her that she was wrong and needed to be locked away.
You turned a blind eye when the gun was in her hand.
You looked away, not trying to understand.
You made her kill a part of herself, doing irreparable harm.
You disgust me with what you did to me.
You probably think you were doing the right thing.
But you broke my heart.
You left me in the dark with nowhere to go.
You thought that I would bring shame for being the freak that I am.
You told me to forget what had happened and never speak of it again.
I can’t forget and I won’t, it consumes me.

Most of all, I hate YOU, God.
You who put me here
You who made me like this.
You hurt me in ways I can never describe with words.
You brought me into this like some sick joke.
It’s ALL your fault, every last bit.
I loathe you.
I despise you.
You set things into motion.
You wrecked my life before it even started.
I will never forget what you did to me.
You made me broken, an unfinished product.
You cast me down into a world of pain.
You know I hate you.
But you know what the worst thing of all is?
I know you don’t care. 
You cast me aside like an afterthought.
I hate you so much.
I hate YOU.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Dance of Fire


Once a winter's night

Pari danced with warmth and light

Fey song on the wind

Monday, April 22, 2013

Pain

I will never have the look that I want.

I will never have the body that I want.

I will never be able to dress the way that I want to dress.

I will never be beautiful.

I will never be pretty.

I will never be sexy.

I will never really be the woman that I feel that I am.

I will always be ugly.

I will always be hideous.

I will always be disgusting.

I will always be trapped.

I will always hate my body.

I will always hate myself.

I will always be male.

I can do nothing to change this, not without paying a price I don’t want to pay.

I can do nothing.

I wish I were braver.

I wish I could take that final step.

I wish I could leave this pain behind.

I wish people would listen to my cries.

I wish I could cry louder in order to be heard.

I am dying inside but no one can see.

I hurt.

I ache.

I long for release.

I hate this.

I hate the jealousy I feel when I look at other women.

I hate how they can be so lucky and not know it.

I hate how I can never be like them.

I hate how cheated I feel.

I know that God doesn’t care.

I have cried out to the heaven.

I have heard the silence in response.

I don’t know what to do.

I just want it to end.

I cry in my soul.

I am tired.

I am weak.

I know this pain will never end.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Repetitious Deaths Of A Pained Soul Never End

I am killing her once again.
I should have known it would never work.
I am killing her once again.
No one understands, they grin and smirk.
I am killing her once again.
I thought I could trust the one I love to understand.
I am killing her once again.
I should have known it could not be in this land.
I am killing her once again.
I know that she will come creeping back.
I am killing her once again.
My heart will be broken, torn by a huge crack.
I am killing her once again.
This world for me is a cruel, dark place.
I am killing her once again.
This is an effort to once again hide her face.
I am killing her once again.
I am disappointed, hurt, wanting to be free.
I am killing her once again.
People just don’t understand that she is me.
I am killing myself again.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Crypt

Alone it sits upon a tiny lonely hill, surrounded by blacked and withered grass.
Its stone is cracked and weathered with age, its roof drooping on verge of collapse.
Upon its door sits a wreath of roses, darkened with despair.
Inside its depths are blacker than black, hidden completely from view.

A cloud of shimmering mist rises upon the moor, as dark figures begin to pass.
Slowly they make their way toward the crypt, the cold air filling with dark synapse.
A body they lie inside its depths, a tangled mass of blood and hair.
They took her down, a blow to the crown, before she ever knew.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Dreams Are A Funny Thing

Dreams are a funny thing.  They can make you laugh, they can make you cry.  They can fill your heart with joy and peace as well as crush it.  They can inspire a thousand stories or they can inspire a myriad of fears.  Dreams are a funny thing like that. 
All of my stories are inspired by dreams that I have had, all of them, even the ones that I will never put to paper.  I get to experience a fragment of the life of that my characters lead and I let my imagination do the rest because soon after waking the fine details fade.  The Moonstones novels were based off of a series of dreams that I had where, from the few details I can remember after waking, I lived in the life of Sephira, Alissa, Jonah and Lilly.  As Sephira all I remember is the impression of her rape and murder as I lived through them in the dream experiencing the horror of it.  As Alissa, I experienced her wedding ceremony and the night after with her husband and the flavor of her world as she grew up world.  As Jonah, I got my gleanings of the world that these characters all live in as well as his deeply profound commitment to Alissa.  As Lilly, I got the Impression of the politics and business practices that dictate the path that society takes in this world.
For the novel, Sanguine Whispers, I had a dream where I was the victim of the serial killer who is the villain in the story.  That, coupled with the song “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri, led me to create that story.  Alexis, the psychic detective (she is a medium who gets readings by touching objects) who is helping the police to track the killer down, was another character from yet another dream that I had.  In the dream, as her, I was curious because I couldn’t get readings off of the items left behind at the murder scene almost as if the spirits of the victims were cut off. 
Even the stories that I have that don’t initiate by dream usually have dreams that follow where I get details and impressions that influence the story.  This may make it sound like I have dozens and dozens of dreams but I don’t.  I am someone who doesn’t often dream or, if I do, I don’t tend to remember them other than a few details and impressions, just enough information for me work with.  The few dreams that I have tend to be very vivid and sometimes it is hard to distinguish them from the real world upon my awakening.  Whenever I dream, I tend to wake up the next day in a slump of depression and continue to stay that way the rest of the day.  You would think that this would be an undesirable thing yet when I go to bed the next night I find myself hoping and praying to have yet another dream just so that I can once again escape.  I wish for this even though I know that once again the next day I will suffer even more for my reality is a painful one for me to bear and these dreams are my only reprieve from my real life.  Don’t get me wrong though, my life isn’t horrible, I have a lot of great people and things in it but despite all of the good there is one thing that always eats at my soul and that is what my dreams tend give me relief from. 
What is it that plagues me in my life so?  Well, if you have read all of my blog posts on this blog then you should already know.  When I was thinking about this post last night before heading to bed I wished for yet another dream, another escape.  I had dreams the previous three nights and due to that my depression was really acting up.  I was planning to just come right out and spill my deepest heartfelt secrets about myself to the world through this post.  Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I didn’t have a dream last night which has given me a bit of a clearer head and state of mind for writing this.  I probably shouldn’t really be worried about that since no one reads more blog anyway.
Now (and I don’t know what I am going to do this nobody ever reads this but I am going to do it anyway) I have a question for all of you, my non-existent readers.  Do dreams influence your writing?  If so, how?