What is it like to be me? So many of you just do not and cannot understand. It’s a struggle daily that I go through just to be me. I wish I could make you feel the way that I feel in hopes that it would give them some insight into what I deal with day in and day out, yet that is beyond me. How can I articulate my version of reality to the world? How can I make you know a tenth of the pain I feel so that you would understand and not lash out at me from fear of what you can’t truly comprehend? Well, the closest think I can think of is to try to present an analogy that will hopefully demonstrate what everyday life is like for me.
To start off, close your eyes. Now, imagine yourself, or rather, your self-image, got it? Good. Now open your eyes and go to the nearest mirror and look in it. Does what you see in the mirror look at least similar to your self-image? It should at least be close to what you saw in your mind’s eye. Now imagine that instead of seeing yourself in the mirror you see someone of the opposing gender.
In this scenario you are still yourself, in all regards, same personality, same likes and dislikes, same preferences, but whenever you look into that mirror you see the other person. Now because you see that other person in the mirror, you know that that is, for all intents and purposes, how the world sees you despite that in your mind’s eye and even your dreams you see yourself differently. This is what you look like physically. Since this is what you look like, people are going to treat you accordingly and expect you to act accordingly, if you do not, then you are a freak and a danger to society, therefor you are under threat of attack if people find out about the inner you. So you learn to play the role that fits your outer shell in order to hide who you really are inside. You do this every day of your life, day in and day out, never letting that inner you out even though you only want to be able to be yourself and be accepted for who you really are. You keep him/her caged inside, locked away for your safety and sanity as you play the role that has been dealt to you by God. You are never able to freely be yourself or express yourself, you can only be the person that society dictates you must be whether you like it or not.
That is an idea of what my life is like. It sucks. It has sucked ever since I was young and started getting my behavior corrected by the people around me lest I stand out too much. That little exercise pales in comparison to the way it actually feels to live my life, but I hope that it helps you to understand the pain I feel. So, what is it like to be me? So many of you do not understand but maybe if you try then the world will be a little bit brighter for people like me.
It is sad that our society and most in general, cannot accept people the way they truly are but instead have to make others conform to pre-set ideas of 'correct'. The more I see the less I believe in a 'universal truth' as far as things such as idea such a Right, Justice, or even gender are concerned. I can sympathize with this in the sense that who I consider myself to be and who society sees are often very different. A difference is that I went on for years being ignorant of this disparity till I hit high school and was suddenly faced with an honest identity crisis.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get to show the world how wrong they are one day.