Pain

I will never have the look that I want.

I will never have the body that I want.

I will never be able to dress the way that I want to dress.

I will never be beautiful.

I will never be pretty.

I will never be sexy.

I will never really be the woman that I feel that I am.

I will always be ugly.

I will always be hideous.

I will always be disgusting.

I will always be trapped.

I will always hate my body.

I will always hate myself.

I will always be male.

I can do nothing to change this, not without paying a price I don’t want to pay.

I can do nothing.

I wish I were braver.

I wish I could take that final step.

I wish I could leave this pain behind.

I wish people would listen to my cries.

I wish I could cry louder in order to be heard.

I am dying inside but no one can see.

I hurt.

I ache.

I long for release.

I hate this.

I hate the jealousy I feel when I look at other women.

I hate how they can be so lucky and not know it.

I hate how I can never be like them.

I hate how cheated I feel.

I know that God doesn’t care.

I have cried out to the heaven.

I have heard the silence in response.

I don’t know what to do.

I just want it to end.

I cry in my soul.

I am tired.

I am weak.

I know this pain will never end.

Repetitious Deaths Of A Pained Soul Never End

I am killing her once again.

I should have known it would never work.

I am killing her once again.

No one understands, they grin and smirk.

I am killing her once again.

I thought I could trust the one I love to understand.

I am killing her once again.

I should have known it could not be in this land.

I am killing her once again.

I know that she will come creeping back.

I am killing her once again.

My heart will be broken, torn by a huge crack.

I am killing her once again.

This world for me is a cruel, dark place.

I am killing her once again.

This is an effort to once again hide her face.

I am killing her once again.

I am disappointed, hurt, wanting to be free.

I am killing her once again.

People just don’t understand that she is me.

I am killing myself again.

Trappings of My Own Device

Silently a tear falls up my cheek,
quietly I cry, for I cannot speak.

My hands bound, mouth sewn shut,
senses muted by I know not what.

Sight is darkened, hearing dulled,
melancholy creeps, to sleep I'm lulled.

Dark aether surrounds, holding in place,
tightening gently, I float in space.

Memory stirs, I try to embrace,
I have forgotten, my purpose, my place.

My mind struggles, facing ahead,
escape is a must, before I am dead.

I struggle now, fighting to be free,
straining against the bonds, covering me.

I resist, pulling, sinew popping,
hands now free, there is no stopping.

I twist, I turn, slipping, grasping,
till hands find hold, breath now gasping.

I try to scream, pull against stitching,
ragged lips now free, blood dripping.

I cry in anger, frustration and fear,
how could I forget, purpose now clear.

I grip at darkness, the end is near,
I rip, I shred, the blackness I shear.

Soon rewarded with a shimmer of white,
I pull myself out, and into the light.