Pain

I will never have the look that I want.

I will never have the body that I want.

I will never be able to dress the way that I want to dress.

I will never be beautiful.

I will never be pretty.

I will never be sexy.

I will never really be the woman that I feel that I am.

I will always be ugly.

I will always be hideous.

I will always be disgusting.

I will always be trapped.

I will always hate my body.

I will always hate myself.

I will always be male.

I can do nothing to change this, not without paying a price I don’t want to pay.

I can do nothing.

I wish I were braver.

I wish I could take that final step.

I wish I could leave this pain behind.

I wish people would listen to my cries.

I wish I could cry louder in order to be heard.

I am dying inside but no one can see.

I hurt.

I ache.

I long for release.

I hate this.

I hate the jealousy I feel when I look at other women.

I hate how they can be so lucky and not know it.

I hate how I can never be like them.

I hate how cheated I feel.

I know that God doesn’t care.

I have cried out to the heaven.

I have heard the silence in response.

I don’t know what to do.

I just want it to end.

I cry in my soul.

I am tired.

I am weak.

I know this pain will never end.

Message to God #2

Have you ever seen a sky so blue as the one we lie under right now?

I feel it calling to me, reaching out to pluck me from this earth.

Have you ever seen an ocean so clear as the one we are floating on?

I hear the depths calling my name, calling me home.

Have you ever seen a night so black as the one in my soul?

It grips my heart, clenching and squeezing, consuming it whole.

Have you ever heard a cry so sad as the one to pass from my lips?

It aches and breaks me, ripping me down to the moment of my birth.

Have you ever felt so betrayed as I do because of you?

You broke me before I ever had a chance, no choice was given.

Have you ever cursed someone as I now curse you?

You did this, you will never make it right, you just don’t understand.

How does it feel to know that I am your mistake and I hate you for it?

I hope it burns you to your very core because you deserve no less.

How do you feel when you see me, knowing I will never forgive?

I hope it hurts you in a way that you will never recover from.

Message to God #1

You said you'd lift me up.

You said you'd hold my hand.

You said you'd take my pain,

Make me understand.

You said you'd cover me.

You said you'd fill my need.

You said you'd always care,

You stand there as I bleed.

I thought you had my back,

but now I bleed from it.

I thought you loved me,

But you don't give a shit!

You fucked me over.

You set me up to fail.

You enjoy my misery,

In my personal hell.

What the fuck did I do?

Do to deserve this all?

Did you build me up,

Just to watch me fall?

I can't believe I trusted you!

You always hated me!

You made me your joke,

This truth I see!

The Reflection of Me

I know how much all of you who read my blog are looking forward to more info on my novel, but unfortunately for you that is not what you are getting today.  Sorry to disappoint but just trust me when I say, the editing process is still moving along, though at a slower pace.  When I get done with this edit I am going to let some proof readers at it before I start the second edit... so there, now you at least have a little novel update.

The reflection of me that I see in the mirror is not a reflection on you, Mother.  There is no sense in blaming yourself for the way I turned out.  You couldn’t help the fact that I have felt the way that I have felt throughout the years.  I’m broken and scared of the way I feel but there is nothing I can do to change.  How I wish I had been able to articulate my desires and feelings to you and Dad so that maybe something would have been done to change the way things turned out.  Would you have listened?  Would you have taken me seriously?  Or would you have just hoped that I would grow out of it, saying that it was just a phase that I was going through?  I don’t know, but I do know that it is my fault for not telling you when I should have.  Due to these faults of my own, depression weighs in, burdening my soul. 

The reflection of me I see in the mirror is a reflection of how you, God, made me.  I look to you for answers yet you are silent.  I want to know why, why me?  Why did you do this to me?  Why am I so weak that I could not be honest with my parents about who I am inside?  Was there reason for me to fear their reaction the way that I did?  If so, then why couldn’t you put me with someone who would have been more approachable?  I hate you sometimes for what you have done to me and I want to make you feel the pain that I feel for what you have done to me.  I feel like the cosmic joke that exists only for your amusement and I despise you for it.  Say something damn it!  Tell me why!  I hate you so much I could cry but I won’t give you the satisfaction of seeing my tears.  It’s not my parents fault I who I am today, the fault lies with you and me. 

The reflection I see when I look in the mirror is not a reflection of me instead it is a stranger I see.